Puppy Love

There are hundreds of books published and soon to be published to help new mothers cope with the extraordinary changes that accompany the new life they bring. I can tell you that the experience of childbirth and parenting is NOT for everyone. But for the 38.5% of parents deserving of a child, the experience is astounding.

I can also tell you that NONE of the books you read will tell you what you truly need to know about childbirth and parenting. It is quite possible there is a reason for that. Namely, few people would have children if they knew. And that just might be a good thing. So, here you go:

A man said to me once, "All mothers are single mothers." He might have been correct. There are the notable exceptions of men who are the primary caregiver for their own children, we are going to do much the same as society here...Ignore them.

To mothers who are birthing children from their own bodies and who will be the primary caregivers....

(if you are hiring a full time nanny or putting your infant in full time day care before the age of 3, I am not speaking to you, you are farming out the job. If you truly cannot financially afford to stay home because you are the only source of income, you are exempt. If you look at the numbers, child care will take nearly all of a second salary so you are full of shit if you say you can't stay home because the husband salary is not enough. Your second salary will just cover costs of daycare. You just don't want to stay home all day with your kid. Whatever.)

Pregnancy:

It is the most amazing time. Your body becomes a shrine to Houdini in ways he could never have topped. Your mind changes, your feelings, your habits, your thinking all do some serious backflips. Your actual chemical makeup changes. Your body is much smarter than you are, listen to it. It never goes back to what it was. Nearly everything about you changes.

Your physical attributes change. Your breasts will resemble Pamela Anderson for at least part of your pregnancy. Your hips actually pull apart and never go exactly back to where they were. Your foot bones spread and your shoe size changes.

Your hair becomes shiny, your nails grow like crazy and your body takes everything from you to give to the growing baby. If you eat like crap while you carry, your baby will want for nothing. It is YOUR body that will suffer. It will leech everything the babe needs from your very bones. YOU will be iron deficient, YOU will be sick, YOU will be tired.

The baby is at the Ritz Carlton with every need fulfilled and every whim catered to.

Eat well, get rest, AVOID aspartame and all other neurotoxins. If you still insist on screwing with your own brain chemistry after you have finished nursing, the that's your problem. The kid has 15 years before it will make stupid choices like that. And by the way, consuming Aspartame, splenda, whatever, it is just like putting any other neurotoxin in your body at every meal. Just put Ecstasy in your soda, it will f+%k with your spinal fluid and brain cells too and you wont care that you are fat. I think it might do less damage than Aspartame.

DELIVERY:

Let's assume you have natural child birth. This is a big assumption. Most hospitals have outrageous statistics for C-sections. Many of them are unnecessary.
( www.Mothering.com , Discussion boards, C-sections)

A natural birth with no complications will net a hospital $10,000. A C-section can net them $30,000-$50,000. A duh. Of course they push it. You walk in there, a mother about to give birth, they see you as a surgical patient right away. Look into having a birth plan on paper, or a large sympathetic Hell's Angel nearby.

First of all, it takes days, not hours. The process begins slowly. Contractions, tightening of the belly, no pain. Some friggin genius called it "Braxton hicks contractions" he wanted something to show for his degree. They are not separate, they are not false. Jesus tap-dancing-christ, ITS A CONTRACTION. Just like all the others. That is like when they call earthquakes preshocks, and after shocks. They are all earthquakes. Just like contractions are all contractions.

They start small, build, crescendo at the moment of birthing the head and then you have contractions for the uterus to become smaller again for weeks after the moment of birth.

The process is natural, it spans months. from conception to birth is about 9 months. From conception to completion of the process is about 19 years, give or take summer school if the kid falls behind.

It is a lifelong commitment that changes everything if you are lucky.

It is the most wonderful part of my life and I would trade no part of the process. (except the nausea phase in the 1st 3 months. But you make up for that with the shopping phase during the 5th-18th months)

Just because you can, does not mean you should:

I see no shame in people opting out of parenthood. It is truly not for everyone and that being said, I think the people who embrace it are heroes and those who know themselves well enough to just embrace aunt or uncle hood are heroes too. It's the ones who check out during the process with whom I feel angry. Either commit fully or opt out. Anything in between and you might be birthing another Paris Hilton, Joey Buttafuoco or Dick Cheney. I need not tell you we have more than our fair share of these.

Our kids need love, respect, attention, patience, shelter and time. They need breastfeeding, healthy food, clean water, more love, more hugging and clean clothes. They don't need much else. They however will want everything they see on TV. This is where my parenting sucks. I give in a lot. But the I have been accused of hugging and kissing him 'too much'. I am certain that is not true. Time will tell.